Friday, October 2, 2009

On what I did today and how I feel

I've just been reading (and subsequently commenting on) the blog of a complete stranger. I feel as though she (I assume its a she, or a homosexual male) and I share some common traits, though I don't really care. It just got me thinking that I should write my feelings down.

Today, I bought a homeless man a meal and we had lunch together. Why did I do this? Partly because I was feeling altruistic and partly, sadly, I think I needed a friend. I don't really feel connected to people. I rarely find schoolmates that share my interests, this is probably more my fault than anyone else's as i don't look too hard. I'm often the subject of mockery, not in an overbearing, bullying way, just like, "wow, you did that, ha". I understand the need for children to mock that which is different and I don't expect human nature to change sooner than I so I guess its a moot point.

I've never opened up to anyone before my now ex girlfriend. I told her how feel, a thing I rarely do, and she accepted that and loved me. I loved her too, I still do, but I'll never admit it. She broke up with me, and I can't blame her for that, though it does make me feel pretty bad. Mostly, I regret the way I acted for those first couple of weeks. I think she was the first girl I ever really loved and her breaking up with me caused me much emotional distress. I cried a lot and cut off her ability to contact me. I then began speaking to her again, misinterpreted her playful speech and said something I shouldn't have. A month later, and we've got an okay friendship going on. I want us to be closer, hell I want someone to be close to, but it cannot be. God forbid I appear needy. After all, her friendship is freely given, and I can't blame her just because she doesn't want us to be together.

Furthermore, I'm currently looking for a new girlfriend. This is a hard task, my previous one was very physically attractive and highly intelligent, one could say she was the whole package. One girl in particular, A I'll call her. She's very clingy and not nearly as physically attractive as her predecessor. I don't care much for ones looks, beauty is quite the common thing nowadays, you either have it or you buy it, its the girl beneath who really matters. Unfortunately, she's fallen quite in love with me (ego trip) yet I don't love her. She also just seems to want to have sex, which I don't mind, but I do want an emotional connection. I want to leave her, but here comes the clincher: I am her first relationship (kiss even) since she was raped 10 months ago. I want so desperately not to hurt her, I do like her, I just don't love her. That scares me, too. Love. It took a long time for me to fall in love for the first time, how long will it be before it happens again? I feel so lonely.

I'd write more on my emotional anguish, but its just past midnight, and I have tai chi in the morning. I think writing this down does help a bit, but I know I'm just going to crawl into bed and and sob, perhaps even cut myself again. Oh well, such is life.

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